Whack-a-Bee

So Trent came up with this new workout that is not only fun, it’s also useful and even has an element of danger about it.  It’s a cross between tennis, dodge ball, and baseball (because there is a lot of boring downtime when you’re just sitting there waiting for something to happen).  The only equipment necessary is a tennis racket, a nest of carpenter bees, a set of adequately-sized cajones, and sheer determination.  Here’s how you do it:

Get your tennis racket.  Any kind will do.

Find an active carpenter bee nest.  Check under eaves, looking for small round holes about the size of a dime.  (Hint: A good indication of a nest is the lovely spray of poop that is underneath their entryway.) This hole had already been filled when I took the photo, but you can see the vague outline of it directly above the poop spray.

Next prepare for your impending work out.  You may want to do a few practice swings, jumps, and lunges to loosen up.  Maybe practice sprinting inside the house a few times too, because that could be in your near future.

Now you wait for the bees to come.  Go ahead and grab a beer and make yourself comfortable on a pink child-sized lawn chair, if you like.  You could be here awhile.

Wait some more while giving your spouse a look that says, “Really?”

Decide that waiting sucks and fill the bee holes with caulk, because that really pisses them off and makes them come out and participate in Whack-a-Bee.

When the bees show up and realize that their homes have been barricaded with caulk, they will start to hover underneath, growing more and more incensed. 

This is when you strike, swinging your tennis racket wildly and with no coordination whatsoever in a vain attempt to hit a bee.  Miss several times while bees angrily swarm you, continue swinging frantically, scream, and run into the house.  Wait, that only applies to me.  If you’re a normal person like Trent, swing your racket with force and grace, connecting solidly with a bee and sending it plummeting to the ground. 

WHOOSH!

SWOOOOSH!

BAM!!!

Now it gets really ugly.  The bee, because it’s the size of a small car, will likely still be alive, no matter how hard you hit it.  It will probably be crawling on the ground, thinking “wtf just happened here.”  Because you’re a good person and feel that no living things should suffer, smush the bee with the tennis racket until it stops moving.  Then smush it some more just to make sure.  (Note: I don’t typically like killing things, but when they eat my garage, I feel like they’ve brought it onto themselves.)

(The picture of the bee being smushed is much to gruesome to post.)

Congratulations, you just finished Round 1 of Whack-a-Bee while simultaneously working your biceps, triceps, lats, shoulders, quads, and more depending on many times you swung, missed, had to swing again, and eventually ran away.  Me, I had a very good work out.  Trent?  He didn’t break a sweat.

P.S. Carpenter bees live in nests of something like 54,873,390 bees, so there is potential for this activity to take many, many rounds.  You may just want to get some bee killer unless you’re a really dedicated individual, such as myself.

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2 comments so far

  1. dad on

    I believe wasps or hornets would be better because you will definitely get some running in.

  2. Tara on

    I wish I was there to witness the ” swinging your tennis racket wildly and with no coordination whatsoever in a vain attempt to hit a bee. Miss several times while bees angrily swarm you, continue swinging frantically, scream, and run into the house. ”
    HAHA


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