St. Louis: The Short Version, Part I

Just kidding!  Did you guys seriously think I could do a short version of this story?  Because I can’t, so here’s how it went down, long version style:

Thursday, 10:14 a.m.:  I pick up Amanda, and I”m only 14 minutes late.  Woot woot!
Thursday, 10:37 a.m.:  We finally leave after loading up Amanda’s 19 bags for a 2-day trip.
Thursday, 10:39 a.m.: The Cheetos and gummy bears make their first appearance.
Thursday, 11:05 a.m.: I have to pee.
Thursday, 11:59 a.m.: I have to pee.
Thursday, 12:37 p.m.: I have to pee.

Okay, I’m stopping now.  I don’t want to write a play-by-play anymore than you guys want to read it, especially when 90% involves me stopping to pee…

and us being lost…


I’m not going to go in exhaustive detail about every aspect of the trip, because I know you guys don’t really care about the Budweiser brewery tour, or the narrow alley that me and my umbrella got stuck in, or the homeless guy that told us he was a white Barbie in a black body and I gave him $2 and then he asked for more.  Whew.  I know what you REALLY care about is the ghost stuff.  So let’s do this.

Our tour of the Lemp Mansion was scheduled for 9:30 p.m., and the night was perfect for ghost hunting.  Actually, I think any night is perfect for ghost hunting, but that’s just me.  So we go inside the mansion, and it is freaking packed.  Wall to wall people, just yapping away and disturbing all the spirits.  “Ugh,” I snobbishly think, “Get these cattle out of here.  Only the truly passionate ghost hunters can be here.”  (I didn’t really think that, cause that’s kinda mean, but maybe my thoughts drifted along those lines, I don’t know. Anyway.)

So the person working at the front desk told us that we had plenty of time to look around, have a drink, or use their really weird bathroom if we wanted to.  I wanted to.

There’s just a free standing shower in the middle of the bathroom.  Isn’t that bizarre?  And there’s a bidet to my left that’s not pictured.  Amanda tried it and said it worked just fine.  Another reason why this bathroom was particularly interesting to me is that I’d read somewhere that numerous women had reported seeing a man peeping over the top of the stall at them…..and ghostly man…..a man called William Lemp, Jr.!  Muhahhahahaha!!!!

After spending far too long in the bathroom waiting for Lemp to come check out my badonkadonk (which he didn’t, the sly bastard), we headed to the bar, where we met this guy named Eeyore.  Hi Eeyore!


Eeyore was pretty cool.  He told us his life story, called the other patrons bad names, and kept a steady flow of drinks in front of us, free of charge.  I really don’t even drink that much, but I like free stuff.  I would like to flatter myself and say that he did this because he thought we were a couple of MILFs, but around 11:15 , I came to the conclusion that he was trying to keep us distracted from realizing that our tour was about 2 hours late.  We didn’t really mind, though, and he did tell us one story of a paranormal encounter that he had in the house.  One night, he’d been out very late and decided to crash at the mansion.  It was the slow season and there was no one else there, so he just headed up to one of the bedrooms.  Right as he was about to fall asleep, he heard someone whisper his name.  He chalked it up to his imagination, then drifted off.  Around 3:00 a.m., he suddenly woke up with a weird feeling.  Just then, the whisper came again, only now it was right next to him.  He could sense a presence standing next to him on the side of the bed; every hair was standing on end, and he was covered in goosebumps.  He was too scared to turn over and look, so he just stayed perfectly still and waited for it to go away.  Eventually it did, and he left shortly after, but he’s never stayed alone in the house again.

Spooky, huh?

Finally it was time for our tour to start, so we all assembled in the dining room for a few instructions and to get our infrared cameras.  Then they pretty much let us loose.  We were all right with this because we didn’t really want to stay with the group anyway, and I didn’t want all their yammering on my voice recorder and video camera.

We headed up to the 2nd floor, and it was pitch black up there.  You couldn’t see anything except the dim lights of people’s cameras.  Almost immediately, I felt a cold spot and got super excited.

“It’s really cold right here!” I exclaimed. 

“That’s because you’re standing next to an air conditioning vent,” said our tour guide.

Oh. Thanks a lot, Mr. Debbie Downer.

There were, however, a few different areas where it felt very cold, and believe me, I looked around for vents.  There weren’t any near me.  That leaves room for only one explanation……supernatural entities were near me. Very near.  And here’s more proof: as soon as we got up there, several people’s, including Amanda’s, camera batteries drained.  I know for a fact Amanda’s camera was fully charged, and it just immediately died.  OMG, right?

The 3rd floor of the mansion is supposed to be one of the places with the most activity, and we weren’t disappointed.  As we were wandering around, Amanda suddenly felt something hit her arm, and then a small scrath appeared, and the next day….A VERY OMINOUS LOOKING BRUISE.  There was no one around her at the time, and she swears she didn’t hit it on anything.  I believe her.  Also on the 3rd floor, my voice recorder mysteriously started playing back stuff that I had been recording, and I didn’t push any buttons.  Other people in our group reported feeling sick to their stomachs, but that could’ve been the fried ravioli they were serving downstairs.  It seemed kinda old.

The basement was the next stop on the tour, and this is where the old tunnel entrance was that led to the caverns underneath the house.  The Lemps used to use the caves for brewing, but the caverns also housed a swimming pool and bowling alley at one time, and William Lemp III used to host parties down there.  Apparently, a lot of shenanigans involving – gasp! – prostitutes took place during these parties.

But I digress.

Here are some pics from the basement:

See the orbs?  Also note the Lemp emblem on the floor.  That’s where the tunnel was.

Another orb photo.  But here’s my favorite….look at the expression on this guy’s face:

He’s all, “Oh hhhheeeellllll no!  I am gettin the f*ck outta this basement!” 

Okay, so are you guys ready for the coolest part of the whole trip?  The part that would solidify my belief even more that supernatural beings are among us?  The part that I would replay over and over again after I got home because I was SO f’ing excited? ARE YOU READY?

Yay! Me too!  Check out this video….the whole thing is almost 8 minutes long, but you can fast forward to the cool parts if you want.  The first one is at the 5:25 mark.  Listen closely.  Then go to the 7:25 mark (is it weird that both instances happen on 25? I think so) and watch closely.  Also, if anyone watches the whole video and can tally up how many times Amanda talks about her camera dying and then coming back to life, I’ll give you a prize.

Wow, you guys have no idea how excited I was to get a for reals EVP!  I played it everyone at work, and they all laughed at me.  But I don’t care if they don’t believe me.  I believe me, and I know what I heard.  First I heard a deep breath (not me), and then I heard something that sort of resembled a human voice but sort of not…..and there was no one around me!  And that certainly wasn’t me.  Holy creepanoli, huh?  And then that flash of light…what was that?  It wasn’t my camera.  It happened too fast, and I was panning slower than that.

So. Freaking. Awesome.

So that pretty much wraps up the first part of our trip.  After the basement tour was over, they kicked us out and we drove around for 45 minutes trying to find our hotel.  St. Louis really should consider making their streets easier to navigate.  Maybe I’ll send an email to their City Council or Chamber of Commerce or whatever.

Or maybe I’ll just listen to my EVP 95 more times. 

Part Deux will be posted soon…..


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