Archive for the ‘Entertainment’ Tag

Books That I’m Not Ashamed to Have Read

OMGZ.  I just found this blog yesterday, and I’m laughing nonstop.  Like literally giggling to myself uncontrollably while trying not to piss myself.  Now, if you never read the Sweet Valley High (or Babysitters Club, Goosebumps, Christopher Pike or anything else that falls into this category of 80s/90s trash fiction) books, then you probably want to stop reading now because you won’t get it.  You just won’t, and that sucks for you, and you better go check out your copy of SVH #1, Double Love RIGHT NOW.  But for the rest of you who at one time (or, like me, still do) enjoyed reading worthless garbage (I use this term loosely, friends), please continue.

Okay, so if you didn’t follow the link above, basically it’s this blogger who is recapping the entire Sweet Valley High series.  All of Jessica and Elizabeth’s exploits are being re-told through the eyes of someone who’s not 11, which makes for a hilarious return to Sweet Valley, the land of Pascal perfection.  Because, seriously, I LOVED those books, and they just made perfect sense to 11-year old me.  Actually, I really just wanted to be Elizabeth (not Jessica because she was always such a bitch), and have pretty blond hair and toned legs and a perpetual tan and a lawyer dad and a cute boyfriend that rode a motorcycle but wouldn’t crash it while I was on the back and put me in a coma….anyway, these books just spoke to me.

And so did many others.  Reading that blog made me really nostalgic for my old faves, so I put together a list of some of the ones that were read and re-read so many times that I think they finally flagged my library account to put a limit on how many V.C. Andrews books I could check out at a time.

Anyway. #1

Let’s start with V.C. and her IN-FREAKING-SANE story about the Dollangangers.  First of all, where did she come up with that name?  I mean…Dollanganger?  Wait, it just occurred to me that it’s probably some sort of tie-in to the Dopplegänger theory, since the family members, as I recall, look very much alike.   Anyway.  I could not put this book down when I first read it, and the same goes for the 17th time I read it.  It’s just nuts.  And I love me a nutty story.

So the story is told from the perspective of Cathy, who’s this super beautiful pre-teen destined to be the world’s best ballerina.  She lives with her mom and dad, older brother, and younger twin brother and sister and they have a perfect life.  This all changes when her dad tragically dies in a car wreck, and her mom, who is basically this helpless nitwit that has relied on her good looks to get everything in life suddenly has to fend for herself, and her looks ain’t payin’ the bills if you know what I mean.  Oh, real quick, she’s a blond, just like the SVH twins…why is it that authors always make the blond characters stunningly beautiful?  What about brunettes?  Why are there no beautiful brown haired chicks?  Just wondering.

Anyway.

So the mom is like, “oh dear, what do I do?”  And, like a complete idiot, decides to take her four kids and move into her parents’ mansion.  I should mention that her parents hate her for doing something REALLY, REALLY BAD (i.e., married her frickin’ uncle) years ago and they tell her that sure, she can move in with them, but they’re going to lock her kids in a room while they’re there.  Um, what?  So anyway, as readers, we don’t know this whole bit about the kids being locked up, and we don’t even have a clue until we meet Grandma Evil Bitch.  Okay, so fast forward like 16 chapters….mom’s been off living it up, eating in fancy restaurants, flirting with dudes, and traveling the world, while the 4 kids have literally been confined to a single room that adjoins the attic.  FOR YEARS.  Grandma E.B. brings them food everyday, but wait! The food is being poisoned by THEIR OWN MOTHER.  Arsenic, baby.  Yep, she’s trying to off her own kids so she keep doing exactly what she’s already been doing.  Whatever. Okay, so the kids are getting sick, especially the little twins, and it’s really pretty heartbreaking.  Meanwhile, Cathy and big brother Chris, now teenagers with raging hormones, have developed an unnaturally close bond that results in them banging, and this is the part that I just couldn’t wrap my mind around as a 12 year old.  Actually, I still can’t, but back then I remember thinking, “Okay, wait a minute.  Did they just do it?”  And then I reread that passage like 25 times because I couldn’t freaking believe it.

So the book wraps up soon after that.  I think it kind of needed to…I mean, a brother and sister just did the nasty.  As an author, where do you go after that?  Anyway, the little boy dies (I cried…a lot) and Cathy and Chris devise an escape plan and get the hell outta the crazy house.   I’d like to say they never looked back, but Cathy can’t let it go, so V.C. pumps out four more books.  All of which I read multiple times.

#2

So Stacey has a secret.  And judging from the cheery smile on her face while she’s hanging in the candy store, it’s a pretty serious one.  Psst……she has diabetes.  Looking back on that now, I’m laughing.  I mean, TONS of kids today have diabetes thanks to the shitty food their parents feed them, but back then, diabetes was not as common, especially in children.  At least I don’t think it was.  When I read this book in 3rd grade, I was all, “GASP!!!  Nooooo!  Stacey has a DISEASE?!?!”  And it was all truly shocking to me.

Also, look at the cover picture.  Stacey was supposed to be the super stylish and pretty one of the bunch.  I really don’t think the illustrator captured that.

Anyway.

I have to dig waaaaay back for a plot summary of this book, because let’s be honest….3rd grad was a long time ago.  Here’s the gist of it, as I recall: Stacey is the treasurer (?) of the Baby-Sitters Club, which consists of 4 middle school girls who…take a guess at what they do.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  Got it?  Yes, that’s right, they baby-sit.  Anyway, Stacey’s the newest member of this super elite (not) club, and she’s been missing meetings and generally not acting like a responsible Baby-Sitters Club member.  Her friends are like “what is up with Stacey?” but she doesn’t want them to know that she has diabetes.  Apparently, this is pretty top-secret stuff.  Finally, she tells them, they put on their sad faces and make sympathetic noises, and there’s a happy ending.  Not that kind, pervos….these are CHILDREN’S BOOKS.

So here’s what I got from this book when I first read it:  I wanted to have a disease of my own.  Stacey got soooo much attention from it! Then I thought about it some more and decided that any disease where I couldn’t eat Fun Dip and Pop Rocks would SUCK, so I changed my mind.

#3

Wow.  Christopher Pike could write one hell of  a good story.  I’ll never forget the day I discovered his books….that was the day my relationship with R.L.  Stine came to an abrupt halt.  I never got Goosebumps driving down Fear Street again.  Get it?  Ha. Ha. Ha.

Anyway.

So this was one of my favorite Christopher Pike books.   It’s about this teenage girl named Shari who mysteriously dies at a friend’s party.  Everyone thinks she committed suicide, but guess what y’all?  SHE DIDN’T.  Duhh duhhhhh…cue the spooky music.  Okay, so Shari doesn’t want everyone thinking she killed herself, especially since she was MURDERED.  Duhh duhhhh DUHHHH!  She makes it her mission to find out who killed her and why, and along the way she does creepy stuff like attend her own funeral, spy on her friends, and enter their dreams.  Weird, huh?  I won’t tell you the ending of this one because I actually don’t remember it because I want you to read it for yourself and enjoy this classic page-turner by Christopher Pike!

Okay, last one. #4

I need to talk about this cover picture real quick.  Can someone please tell me what is up with this little girl’s hair?  It’s like Cher meets Billy Ray Cyrus circa 1992.  This even bothered me as a kid.  This girl is a little a-hole in the book, and I thought her hair looked really bad way back then.  It still does, in my opinion.

Okay, so also check out the super creepy ghost.  That’s Helen.  And you better just wait till she comes…..shit’s gonna get real.  So here’s the deal: Molly has recently moved into an old house with her brother, mom, stepdad, and stepsister Heather.  Heather’s a real bitch and even though Molly tries to get close with her, Heather ain’t havin’ it.  Pretty soon, she starts talking about this ghost she’s been hanging out with, and Molly spies on her to find out the truth.  Well guess what?  Heather is for rillz; she’s not making it up.  There is a ghost, and she’s not very nice, as they find out when she destroys all the rooms in their home except for Heather’s and her dad’s.  She also gives Heather a locket, which has some significance at the end  of the story.  Okay, so later on the parents leave the house for awhile, and Heather leaves to meet Helen in the cemetery that is conveniently located near their home.  And seriously, where else would you meet a ghost, right?  Molly follows them, and it’s a good thing too, because suddenly Helen isn’t so nice anymore.  She lures Heather to a pond to try and drown her.  What?!  Where did that come from?  Honestly, I don’t know…..I do remember being soooo surprised when I was a kid, and soooo pissed at Helen too.  It’s just like a ghost to win your trust with lockets and destroying your sib’s room, and then suddenly turn on your ass and try to drown you.  Ugh.  Anyway, Molly saves the day by dragging Heather out of the pond.  Helen chases them, Molly throws the locket at her (because that’s what you do with a charging ghost), Helen is distracted, and Molly and Heather fall into a pit of some kind that contains the bones of Helen’s parents.  Here’s where the story got iffy.  I mean, there’s just a pit with bones in it?  And no one knew about it?  What?  So once the girls are rescued by their frantic parents, the bones are properly buried and Helen can now take it easy and stop haunting little girls and gifting them with antique jewelry.  Whew.

I seriously did love that book, though, when I was a kid.  I’m pretty sure that’s where my obsession with the supernatural began.

And oh my gosh!  The wikipedia tells me that Jennifer Love Hewitt is directing a movie based on this book.  Whee!  I will totally be seeing this one in the theater!

Okay.  So that’s my list of some of the books that have shaped me and made me into the incredible person I am today.  What’s on your list?

I’d Much Rather Be Doing Something Else Today

Well, it’s Friday.  (Rebecca Black said so too, in case you were wondering.)  I’m at work, there’s not a lot to do, and it’s pouring outside.  These are the kinds of days where I think to myself, “Self, if you could be doing anything else right now, what would it be?”  And then I start dreaming up wild scenarios where I am whisked off by private plane to a remote tropical island (preferably Turks and Caicos, if anyone wants to make this a reality for me), immediately handed a fruity drink (with an umbrella, please), and deposited with a lounge chair on a deserted beach (except for the attractive man that will be bringing me drinks).

Or I know!  Maybe Ryan Reynolds could come barging through the door because he’s being chased by masked gunman, and he asks to take cover under my desk.  Then when the bad guy comes in, I roundhouse kick the gun out of his hand, Ryan grabs it, shoots the guy (not mortally, cause he’s not like that), then he takes my hand and we flee to a getaway car driven by Ryan Gosling.  Then the three of us fly by private plane to a remote tropical island.  Oh Ryans, you make me swoon.

Don’t those ideas sound fun?  I think so.  Sadly, they’re never going to happen.  Excuse me while I go cry in the bathroom for a moment.  What could happen, though, on a rainy day where I’m stuck at work with nothing to do, is I could take the rest of the day off, go home, make popcorn, and put on my pajamas and lay in bed with my fuzzy blankie and watch TV all day.  Now that is a plausible scenario.  I’d probably put on some Friends, True Blood (duh), maybe some Parks and Rec, I don’t know.  But it would be good stuff.

Unfortunately, I have no vacation time left (read: ZERO HOURS…excuse me while I cry again), so here I am blogging about what I would do and the stuff I would watch.  And since I can’t leave, how about I just make a countdown for y’all of my favorite moments from my favorite TV shows.  I have nothing better to do anyway, and if you’re reading this, you don’t either.

5. Flight of the Conchords

 

4. Parks and Rec

 

3. The Office

 

2. Friends

 

1. True Blood

 

Well, that’s my list.  I had fun rewatching those moments, plus I just killed another hour of this loooonnngg day.  Sweet!  Chandra: 1, Work: 0.  And that’s how it’s done, my friends.